These are our players, this is our play.

The Leads:
1. Thrust: myself. Goofy, misanthropic, small. Prone to bouts of romanticism, pop culture references, and grammatical wrath.
2. Cozy: the girlfriend. Talented, hilarious, endearingly nerdy. Sings opera, talks in funny accents; supposedly ill-tempered.
3. Thom Yorke: ex-boyfriend and best friend. Drug addled, disenchanted, older than his age. Insanely creative, lacks hope.
4. Ladybug: amazonian Jewfriend. Confused, strong, open; talks about anything and everything. Loves potatoes and loaf.
5. Matthew Broderick: the brother. Successful accountant; failure with relationships. Lonely, insanely intelligent, overworked.
6. The Boo: softspoken designated heterosexual. Incredibly white upper-middle class. Needs love, focuses on grades.
7. Canned Vegetables: hyper-emotional floormate with dedicated boyfriend of three years. Loving, good-natured; hates conflict.

Ensemble:
1. Egg: other best friend. Whimsical, jaded; annoying welfare reliant boyfriend. Prone to sporadic depression and binge-drinking.
2. Catullus: token dyke. Snarky, repressed, overexerted. Has equally repressed girlfriend. Voice of reason; level headed.
3. Unity Poster: collective of former high school newspaper staff friends. Loud, witty, eclectic; multiracial single entity.
4. Mama: high school Journalism teacher. Crying shoulder, mother-away-from-biological-mother. Classy, dry humor. Cultured.
5. Dirty Hippy: tenth-grade love interest. Arty, adventurous, dependent; born three decades too late. Smart, naive.
6. The Seamstress: long-time friend turned enemy turned friend again. Open-minded, loving, misunderstood. Cares too much.

Understudies:
1. Myra: social climber and chameleon. Lives in LA with border-hopping boyfriend. Creative, conniving, disconnected.
2. Cowboy Bebop: narc. Pseudo-intelligent, faux-cultured. Mommy issues. Compensates for idiocy via physical might.
3. The Starving Artist: only boy I have ever loved; sensitive, unmotivated. Prone to bad luck and brilliantly phrased lyrics.